November 2011: Trust Your Gut

Knowing Not To Doubt Yourself When “Something is Not Quite Right”

“Well, the fact really is that I do not know what I'm really in search of. I know that my son, Jack, may have problems but then I don't know. It just seems that he is fine in most situations and in others something is terribly wrong. I'm always questioning my judgment. I know that something is amiss when I look at his entire life.”

“Haley was just getting thinner. I knew something was wrong but everyone kept telling me that she would grow out of it. I could not confront the doctor. In retrospect, I should have got a second and maybe a third opinion when she was not showing up for dinner. I mean I thought it was just a teenage thing. And then it hit me right in the face. I almost lost my daughter.”

I talked about the power of “flags” in my October blog. I also talked about when is a “flag” a true warning sign in my September post. Jack's mother has a 14-year-old son who has had trouble with attention and concentration and making friends since he was two years old. Jack's mother is now searching for answers. Jack has no friends and other peers do not accept his invitation over to his home. Jack deeply wants friends but something is amiss in the process of making a friend. Jack's mother did not think that this was a problem because he always did well in school. In fact, Jack helped other kids with homework at school. Jack's mother is really concerned at this point and wonders how his life will be impacted at college and work. She has good cause to be concerned. But, why is she reacting at this time? Jack is 14-years-old now and very anxious. He knows that things are “not quite right.”

We do not want our child to be less than perfect. I know this because I'm a parent too. We deeply want our child to be perfect in all ways. However, it can take some parent's years until they come to understand that there is a really BIG problem. Why the years?

Haley's mother saw her daughter's weight loss over the months. Why did she not notice this visible sign? There were many signs. As I mentioned in my September blog, Haley had trouble handing in her assignments on time and had problems with her focus during classes that she did not like. She did not check out the first warning signs that “something was not quite right.” We are all busy as parents. Haley's mother did not check with Haley's teachers whether her daughter's missing assignments were of concern. I talked with Haley's mother. She was working full-time but did not trust her instinct that “something was not quite right.”

These two examples indicate that you, as a parent, must trust your “gut.” If “something is not quite right” please talk to your child's teachers, parents of your child's friends, and your partner as well as significant other in your family. Thank outside of your “box.” MOVE on your instincts. You know your child the best. This will truly make a difference.

I know that I have been discussing this issue since September. I can't tell you how many parents come in years later after they suspected that “something was not quite right.” You really must trust your “gut.” You DO know your child and it is up to you and the healthcare professional to explore your areas of concern.

Best,

Karen L. Schiltz, Ph.D.